The War of Words

As a student of human relationships, I have a passion for many subjects such as parenting, psychology, religion, science, philosophy, and occasionally politics.  A reader of various social media sites, including facebook and twitter, and previously electronic bulletin boards such as yahoogroups, I often find myself drawn to the comments sections of online posts and articles, as much as to the posts and articles themselves (yes, I am one of those people who are like the Michael Jackson meme, eating popcorn in a theatre, with the caption “I’m only here for the comments.”) Reading the comments is like a train wreck: you know it’s gonna be horrible, but you can’t seem to look away. Over the past few years, I have seen the level of personal verbal attacks in these commentaries increase in frequency and intensity. Once largely the domain of so-called “trolls”, it is now common to see harsh criticism coming from the words and avatars of many people who would consider themselves to be everyday, average, good-hearted folks.

I am a psychotherapist and family counselor, and bill myself as a “relationship specialist.” During therapy sessions I try to help couples and families be kinder with their words, soften their stance, compromise, problem solve, and find that Middle Path. It is difficult for some to do so, especially once they leave my office and must practice this in the real world without my guidance and coaching. Even with those that they love, it is difficult for people to put their differences aside and accept each other’s points of view as valid. I, too, can sometimes be insensitive with those I love. Therefore, I am fascinated by the ways that total strangers manage to insult each other through the internet, without regard for what their words actually sound like if they were to say them out loud.

I am one of those commenters who try to be a voice of reason in the war of words taking place on electronic screens across America. I try to find common ground with others, and to acknowledge their view point while also stating my own. I urge people to choose their words thoughtfully, to step back from the emotional battlefield that social media has become, and to think before they speak. And yet I too occasionally fall prey to the tendency to become wrapped up in the online bullying. I become wrapped up in the negative emotion rather than using my reason. Then, shocked at myself, I rush to delete or edit the comment I have made, ashamed at my desire to be hurtful. And I make a renewed effort, before I publicly make such a statement, to run it through the ringer of the Victorian poet Mary Ann Pietzker: “Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it kind?” before I push “send.”
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Can we learn to be more thoughtful, more humane, more benevolent in our approach toward each other? Can we state our own position without automatically attacking another? Even when we disagree, can we find a kernel of truth or validity in what the other is saying? And when we feel the impulse to be hurtful, is it possible for us to collectively “bite our tongue?”

As we gear up for the 2016 presidential election, if we are able to actually do that, we may end up with shorter tongues or at least see tooth marks all over the end of them. And if we are able, we can listen to each other, improve communication, and find solutions more readily. Even with the mud-slinging that has already ensued between politicians and will surely continue, we can raise the level of discourse in online communities and in those communities in which we actually live, love and work. We can rise to a higher level; be our better selves. And that is something that politicians need to learn from. And even if they won’t, we can choose to live by a better standard and refuse to be dragged down into the mud pit with those who decide to stay there.